Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 4, 2013

My Abusive Ex-Boyfriend

Back in December, I decided to contact my ex, Brian, to question him about all the sexual things he would attempt to do when I was sleeping and couldn't say no.

He'd touch me through my panties, and put his mouth on my breasts, and he'd even hump me. I don't ever think his dick was out when he was dry humping me, though, so that's good... I guess.
However, he can remember touching me, but he tried to excuse the humping saying that he doesn't remember it, or that he was probably doing it in his sleep. I made a post on one of my tumblrs the day we had the conversation. I'll insert that here:
"I was feeling curious after watching all these video responses to Jenna Marbles latest video, and so I contacted my ex, asking him what exactly he's done to me in my sleep during all the times we dated.
If you didn't know, and probably don't, my ex, who was my first boyfriend ever, pressured me into sex multiple times (but I never had sex with him) and touched me in my sleep sometimes (rubbing my crotch through my panties, sucking on my breasts) whenever I would sleep over at his house. He even humped me a couple times. I know this because I would wake up sometimes while he was doing this stuff and then not do anything about it. Partly because I was really fucking tired and was just like 'wtf?' I didn't like it or enjoy it, I just didn't know what I could do about it, y'know? Does that make sense? I mean there were times I rolled over to make him stop but he'd just do it again another time. He even said one time when I woke up and he was rubbing my crotch through my panties, that while he was doing that, I was moaning. First of all, can I contest that I was not moaning consciously as I was asleep when this apparently occured, and that 'moaning' in my sleep in no way means I enjoyed it, or wanted it. I do not control what I say or what noises I make in my sleep.
Besides that, He broke up with me 2 times as a joke, and let his best friend bully me and treat me like shit.
He'd also call me a whore a lot despite my saying stop and that I don't like it.
Here is the messages:
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His picture isn't shown because shortly after this I blocked him.
He's shrugging it off because it's been about 3 years since I left him, so apparently it's less important than it would have been if I confronted him about it right as it was happening. Which I actually did a few times, but even then he still acted like it was nothing or he just said sorry and acted like that fixed everything and that if I got upset and cried about it, that was stupid. Honestly, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it then because I felt like nobody would care, and it was nothing and that people had been through far worse, which I'm sure lots of people have, but I wanted answers. I wanted him to acknowledge what he's done and honestly if he expects me to not get just a little angry over the bullshit he's put me through, and he doesn't realize how damaging what he did can be, then that just adds to the problem.
And if he really did hump me in his sleep, or was asleep while doing so, fine. I get that you can't control your actions when you're sleeping, but that doesn't make it any less wrong.
"

Since I've had some time to think since that conversation, I want to adress things he said to me:

  1. Sleeping in the same bed does not permit you to touch me without my permission.  
  2. Touching me in my sleep in a sexual manner because you wouldn't be allowed to do so when I was awake is 'inappropriate' and weird, it's pathetic that you can't see that.
  3. You didn't love me. I can tell you didn't love me, but you had convinced yourself you did. You know how I know? Because you hurt me, a lot, and then passed it off as a joke and never tried to make up for it. You don't even know what's inappropriate and weird in a relationship for christ's sake. You don't hurt the people you love, and if you do, you need to get your shit checked because they deserve better.
  4. It's funny to me how you could just forget something like that and then try to change the subject. I clearly wasn't there for chit chat and catching up.
  5. Whether or not it happened 3 years ago, or last week, it's still a problem. You're not the one who had to deal with this, I AM, so fuck yeah I can get mad all I want. 
  6. I was implying that if you can't remember humping me, what else have you 'forgotten'? What else could you possibly have done to me while I was sleeping, that I didn't wake up during? I'll never fucking know, and I hate that. I will never forgive you.

So... yeah. The purpose of this post is to ask, was I sexually abused? Does this count as molestation?
Also, Brian, if you ever read this: you're a piece of shit, and I hope nobody ever ends up with you, you don't deserve a relationship.

And also, I found a post on tumblr today that is very relevant to this:

"the shit about abusers is, they have no recollection of how they've been abusive coz its as normal as breathing to them. you will remember exactly how they scarred you and they'll be like “geez, it was whatever long ago, who cares?” or “i dont remember that at all”while you nurse psychological wounds for decades over it."

So, if you're anything like Brian, or you're abusive in general to your significant other

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