So, I am taking everything I've been through off my 'secret' password protected tumblr, and at the time that I wrote this I was frustrated and angry and just a disaster so you can clearly tell that by how I am talking, or typing, in the post. Now, I wanted to post this on National Anti-Bullying Day, however, It's way past that, since, according to what I could find, it was on February 27th. I contemplated waiting until next year to post this, but I would forget and then it would never happen, so I'm just throwing this up today instead.
"Dad says that my brother has had it worse than I growing up, in terms of getting picked on. Interesting, no? It’s really very thrilling to hear this considering they’re ignorant enough on the subject to think that majority of my being picked on occurred only in high school. Let’s go back, shall we? When I was little nothing major happened, nothing special. A few kids picked on me, did that stupid game of ‘sarah germs’ and nobody wanted to even touch me by accident, if they did, they’d pass it on and be all ‘LOL YOU GOT SARAH GERMS’ which, let me tell you, as a 9 year old putting up with that shit, it feels great being treated like you’re some disgusting mass that people would rather avoid touching at all costs. I had a weak bladder when I was younger, and I’ve always been a procrastinator, so if I felt I had to pee, I put it off. It got pretty bad and by the time I went to the bathroom, I had wet myself. Bam! Another thing to tease me for.
I hate my last name. People have never been able to pronounce it right, and kids called me by my last name in the 3rd and 4th grade. This one kid, Wesley, teased me so much that one day in gym, he called me an idiot after I passed the ball to another kid instead of him, and I broke down crying. And then there were the teachers. Yay elementary teachers! Ok, so my music teacher, always said something snarky to me or was rude to me when he had the chance. My 4th and 5th grade teachers? yeah, they compared me to my brother, and apparently I wasn’t as ‘amazing’ as he was, or I wasn’t as good a student. I actually cried in 5th grade because I’m not perfect. My 4th grade teacher gave out candies and whatnot to kids who did all their work and stuff, and I had A.D.D, still do, but it was worse back then. So I had a tendency to play with my school supplies instead of working, but I tried my best. It wasn’t exactly something I could help. I did as much work as I could, but I hardly got any candy. I don’t know why that’s so bad. But I guess it’s because I felt pretty shitty that other kids got to have candy and I didn’t. I felt left out. Once, I gave her a paper that I finished and even asked if I could have a piece of candy and she laughed at me.
I had a teacher in 3rd grade, and again, A.D.D, so I ‘daydreamed’ I guess and wound up staring out the window, and she’d yell in my fucking ear.
I had this best friend growing up, her name was krystal. Krystal is a spoiled girl, who thinks everyone should give her everything she wants and never go against her. She wanted to be popular and have all kinds of friends, but instead she got me. Horrible, right?
Yeah, so that’s why in the 8th grade, she ditched me to get new friends. Who did she become friends with? Why, the kids who picked on me of course! Specifically, this one douchebag Collin who would always tease me about having no friends, and laugh at me, and be rude to me. And now that they were friends, she’d join him. Let’s just say by the end of 8th grade, I was at my desk, alone, crying. Nobody fucking cared, and he was laughing at me. And to top it all off, when it didn’t work out with them, SHE CAME BACK TO ME LIKE NOTHING HAD EVER HAPPENED. But that’s not all that happened in middle school. In the 6th grade my teacher was rude to me also, she’d pick at me or make rude or mean comments. This one girl, Karen, was my friend and that year for her birthday she had a birthday party. I was invited, until she got more guests, and then I was uninvited. In the 7th grade I got teased for having a pokemon binder. Just for having it. I mean, really? What the actual fuck.
In high school, I guess it was my sophomore year, I don’t quite remember, this one guy, Brandon, who I thought was my friend, came down the hall, and stood by me, and I jokingly asked him ‘what do you want?’. Now, I wasn’t trying to be mean, I was just kidding around, nothing personal. So this other girl chimes in that he can stand where ever he wants and even takes it so far as to say I don’t count as a human being. A bit much for just asking someone ‘what do you want’, isn’t it?
On my birthday, my sophomore year, someone threw a water bottle at the back of my head. This girl, Mallory, threw random shit at me, and yes it fucking hurt. One day she threw a pencil at me, so I threw it back. OF COURSE NOBODY SAW HER THROW IT FIRST, SO SUDDENLY I’M THE BAD GUY. This other girl kim was PURPOSEFULLY trying to throw basketballs at my head, which none of the teachers seemed to notice. And she managed to hit me in the fucking face. So as I’m walking to the nurse, crying, she’s fucking bragging to her friends about it.Want to know why she was such a cunt to me? Because I’m related to my brother and because she hates my brother, she hates his family. So I basically got shit from this dumbass cunt just because of who I was related to. Speaking of him, we had this community room in the special-ed classroom with couches and shit on it and one day we happened to be in there at the same time and he tried to actually smother me with a pillow.
When I told the teacher, she dismissed it as sibling problems, and he didn’t even get in trouble. Are you kidding me? Wow.
Ok, back to krystal. One time during the summer, I believe it was, she came over to my house with her kingdom hearts manga, because that was, at the time, what she was obsessed with. She left my room for a few minutes, I thought she had gone to the bathroom, but when she came back, she had a beer. She actually went out to the kitchen, stole a beer from the fridge and then came back to my room with it. We obviously weren’t allowed to have beer so I told her she couldn’t drink that but if she ‘had’ to, she had to go to the bathroom with it. So she did, when she finished taking a few sips, she hid it behind the toilet and came back. Everything was ok for a couple minutes until she vomited all over my bed, and her book, and ONLY cared about her book, while I, in the mean time, now had no blankets to use when I went to sleep that night. After I yelled at her for it, my mom got involved so I told her what happened and she yelled at krystal. Krystal, being upset that she was actually in trouble for this, stormed off, and walked back to her house. Mom called her mom and told her what happened and we went over there to talk to her. Well, it turns out krystal told her mom that I made her do it, and that it’s all my fault. Fortunately, her mom believed I didn’t make her do anything.
Now that that was resolved we went home to find out that the dog, Shadow, had managed to get into my room and KILLED MY FUCKING HAMSTERS. Speaking of hamsters, another time, when Krystal was over at my house, she was holding the hamster I had at the time and in all honesty it looked like she was squeezing it or had too tight a grip on it, and I didn’t want her to hurt the hamster so I insisted she hand the hamster back to me and she insisted that she not and eventually got so angry at me for wanting my own damn pet back, that she threw said pet at the headboard on my fucking bed.
When we were little, also, she came over and completely ignored me to watch TV at MY house, while I played alone, instead of with my supposed friend. Her excuse? Well, she’s one of those people who believe that since she’s the guest at the house, she should then be allowed to do whatever she fucking wants, with complete disregard for anyone. And on top of all of Krystal’s crap that I dealt with, her parents, ADULTS, actually talked shit about me, insulted me, and whatever else, BEHIND MY BACK LIKE HIGH SCHOOL KIDS. One time, I was at her house the same time as some other people, and they were leaving and I didn’t want to be the only guest there, plus it was fucking getting dark, and I was like 13 at the time, so I didn’t, god forbid, want to walk home in the dark. So I went down to her room to get my jacket, and I hurried the fuck home. Now, conveniently, Her step-father lost 10 dollars, and since I was in a hurry to leave, he fucking assumed I stole it.
One time in high school, these kids from my class were walking behind me to lunch, and they stepped on the back of my jeans on purpose and then shoved me down. As they walked over my body to lunch, they laughed. Meanwhile, I get to help myself back up IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED FUCKING HALLWAY, and try really hard not to cry as I walk back to the classroom and not get to eat that day. Why didn’t I eat? Why the fuck would I want to go to the cafeteria and deal with more of their shit, while on top of that, I was trying not to cry. Another time, I was walking to lunch and this guy, whose friend probably made him do it, started to hit on me as a joke, and people were laughing and I ignored it and whatever, but still. In the 5th grade, also, I got this valentine from a couple of kids pretending to be someone who 'like-liked' me. I could hear them laughing when I read it.
My senior year of high school I helped out during one period in a P.E class for kids with down syndrome and other stuff and I have the hardest time doing stuff in front of people ‘cause I don’t want to be made fun of and we were playing duck duck goose and I tried really hard to not make it obvious that I didn’t have a turn the entire game until a girl pointed it out and I had to get picked, and I got too embarrassed to finished the lap around the group of people and everyone probably thought I was some stupid bitch. One time I was ice skating with 3 of my friends, who I’m not friends with anymore, and I was pretty decent at skating. The rink we were using was a huge oval and they decided to skate in the middle of it, and I wanted to go around the whole thing while I skated and eventually they decided to ditch me (I found them in the cafeteria area eating and laughing and having fun even though they said they were going to the bathroom) because they thought I was showing off (because apparently I was 'showing off' by skating around the entire rink while they stayed in the middle of it, thereby, skating circles around them), but I wasn’t. And they got all mad at me and stuff and I just wound up crying and didn’t skate anymore for the rest of the day.
My first ever boyfriend, who happened to be someone who picked on me in the 8th grade, emotionally abused me. Unintentionally I assume, but still. He’d always try to get me to have sex with him, even going so far as to touch me in my sleep when I slept over, obviously without my permission, until I rolled over to make him fucking stop. He let his best friend be mean to me and insult me and pick on me. Guess who this best friend was? He was a former friend of my brother. So I had met him before, yes. Why did he hate me so much? because WHEN I WAS LITTLE I WAS ANNOYING. Yeah, of course I was annoying, I was a little fucking kid. Kids can be annoying, boohoo, don’t punish me for how I was when I was 7 YEARS OLD. My ex broke up with me 2 times, AS A JOKE. He’d ignore me to play his xbox, we’d get into fights and because of all my frustration and pent up emotions, I developed this horrible habit of hitting him. Of course it probably didn’t hurt him since he was bigger than I was, but still. Either that, or I’d wind up crying.
He even called me a whore, DESPITE MY SAYING I DON’T LIKE IT.
When I was 10, I was walking back to class from the bathroom and I don’t remember how I started thinking this, but I was crying and telling myself that the world would be better off if I didn’t exist and that everyone would be much happier without me. I used to cry and tell myself that my parents wanted a boy instead of me, and that nobody wanted me. This one time I commented on a facebook status coppercab posted, saying he might try to be a rapper. My opinion? He’ll get more shit than he already does, and he’ll be even more of a joke than he’s already made himself to be. Am I wrong? Probably not, but he’s not a rapper, so it’s not like you would be able to know, right? This guy targets me out of all the comment saying MUCH worse things than what I said and at some point sends me a fucking message saying that I don’t matter and that I should kill myself and that nobody would miss me and that my facebook DP isn’t of my face because I’m probably obese and disgusting and ugly. And honestly, it’s not the first time I’ve been told I should kill myself. "I wrote this back in august, so it's kind of old but it's 100% true, and I just want to address what my father said to me in regards of my brother having had it worse:
Regardless of who had it worse or not, do not EVER try to make my problems or feelings seem trivial or stupid just because of how much worse someone may or may not have had it. That's a shitty thing to do and it's, in all honesty, going to make me NOT want to tell you any problems I ever have in the future.
I also wanted to say that it does bother me when both my parents say they understand how I'm feeling, or what I'm going through because in all honestly, no, I really don't think you do. Please, please, understand that there is a difference between knowing and understanding.
Also, to my father, who is very adamant about how much more he knows about the 'real world' than I do
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minus the 'go live it' part |
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